2023 Reflections
2023 was the year of change in almost every regard. It was the year of bittersweet ends and beginnings, of the uprooting and tilling of soil to plant new seeds. In July, we transitioned out of our church home at Epiphany LA and into a new church community at Tapestry LA. In August, Talitha started kindergarten at a Mandarin dual immersion school and Moses began half days at preschool. In September, we packed up our belongings from our beloved 7th Ave home and moved into a new home in east Culver City. And in October, our third child Ephraim was born.
I don’t know if I would recommend 4 major life changes in 4 months to anyone, but for us they felt guided by the Lord, often in very providential ways, and even my desire to walk into them has felt very much God-given. Eden and I sensed being called out of the familiar where we had become stagnant and into greater fruitfulness in the areas He has placed us. But as someone who naturally hates change and loves to stay in the familiar, these past few months have been disorienting, to say the least. I suppose uprooting tends to feel like that. The last couple months have been full of simultaneous gratitude and struggle.
I’ve fallen into the comparison trap far more times than I’d care to admit with both myself and my children, missing out on so much joy and delight right in front of me. I’ve realized just how much I’ve put my identity in being useful and helpful and impressive, and it’s been painful to have that stripped away in this season where I have felt very needy, having to receive rather than give. I’ve oftentimes let my fear and ego get in the way with friendships, becoming self-conscious rather than taking opportunities to just love on them and point them to Jesus.
But as I enter into 2024 and into my 34th year of life this week, I know I don’t want to live this way any longer. God has such a better, more life-giving way. What freedom there is in trusting that my life is hidden with Christ in God. That I suffer no lack because God is my Shepherd and I have everything in need in Him. I want to embrace this season of cultivating the soil of my life, of laying down seed. Though outwardly, it may look fruitless and unimpressive, I need this hidden but important work to weed out the strongholds of my life, to reorient my heart heavenward and to set my mind on things above, not on things on earth. I long to truly put my identity not in what I do, but in the fact that my good God, the true Vinedresser, loves me and in His wisdom is producing all that He desires in me as I yield to Him. I long to learn how to walk by the Spirit, in every circumstance, to have the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.
Perhaps fruitfulness in 2024 looks less like accomplishment and success, and more like staying connected to and depending on Christ, remaining focused on all that He desires for me. O, for grace to trust Him more.
