2024 Reflections

Today marks my 35th birthday. For me, it’s a gift to have a birthday at the start of a new year, because I have twice the reason to reflect on my last year of life. I’ve attempted a few times to write but have struggled to find words because at first glance, the past year has looked uneventful and unimportant. If last year was characterized by change, this year was characterized by planting and laying down roots. In many ways, the beginning stages of planting seed look barren and lifeless, like nothing is happening. The important work of laying down roots happens in the secret place, deep in the dirt. 

And 2024 has been a year where I felt buried and a bit hidden. Buried by motherhood and the needs of my children that can seem endless and make rest feel so elusive. I felt the ache of needing community but often let fear keep me isolated so I wouldn’t feel the sting of comparison that made me feel like me and my kids didn’t measure up. I wrestled with whether I had lost some of myself in this season, disoriented about my purpose and my place, and wondering when I would feel like I was flourishing again. But I had the epiphany recently that perhaps being buried and hidden doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it is the process by which all beautiful things must grow, if I will yield to the hand of the One who knows exactly what He is doing with and through my life.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 

- John 12:24-25

I find that so much of my discontentment, my angst in this season, is due to the fact that I don’t want let my old self and old identity die. In my heart of hearts, I feel entitled to an easy life, one where I don’t have to experience pain and hardship, where all my plans and goals come to pass, where I feel successful and good about myself and can have something to show for my life. But that is just not life as God has designed it and to live with that expectation is a setup for disappointment. Life on this earth is wrought with difficulty and suffering, but God is taking what is meant for evil and will use every ounce of it for good. He will take my dying, buried seed and use it to bear more fruit than I could ever dream of bearing on my own as I yield to His plans for my life. He will plant me by streams of water, with my inner life being renewed by Him so that my leaves remain green even in times of drought. 

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

    whose trust is the Lord.

 He is like a tree planted by water,

    that sends out its roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

    for its leaves remain green,

and is not anxious in the year of drought,

    for it does not cease to bear fruit.” 

- Jeremiah 17:7-8

As I die to myself in little ways every day, as I choose, by God’s help and power, to not indulge my anger and annoyance but patiently walk with my children and teach them about the God who loves them; as I refuse to listen to the condemning voice that makes me look inward instead of to my Savior; as I choose to have self-control over self-indulgence, not to live my life so casually like it belongs to me  - that there is glory coming on the other side that will lead to God’s exultation and my highest joy. 

As I enter into 2025 and my 35th year of life, I want to take on my true identity as the beloved of God. Even when I struggle to believe it or understand it, it is mine and it is true nonetheless. And because I am His beloved, (and this is true of all who trust in Him), I can trust that I am exactly where He wants me to be. I am held even when chaos feels all around me. Goodness and mercy shall pursue me all the days of my life because I have a Good Shepherd, who alone is worth boasting in. Because I am His beloved, my life is not a constant test that I am failing, but an adventure in step with Emmanuel, God with us, as He shows me greater depths, greater joy, greater love day by day until I see Him face to face. 

 But I have trusted in your steadfast love [hesed];
    my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,
    because he has dealt bountifully with me.

- Psalm 13:5-6